From the Desk of Keith Hafner 

Self-Control: Without this, you can forget about mastering any other skill.

You may be wondering why I consider self-control a “physical” quality. The answer is simple: developing this Foundation Stone begins with the control of one’s own body. Every baby learns pretty much on her own to move her limbs, raise her head, roll over, crawl and finally, walk. Later, when it’s time for her to learn to control her actions and behaviors, her parents must take charge. But it all comes back to the body.

I am going to give you a couple of exercises that you can use to help your child develop self-control. But first, I want to discuss why this quality is so important. Simply put, if your child does not learn self-control, she will have a very difficult time in adulthood. At best, she will spin her wheels and be unable to achieve anything of value. At worst, someone will move in and establish control over her.

The three principles of instilling self-control in your child are: 1) establish clear rules and boundaries; 2) make sure there are natural, logical consequences for not respecting those boundaries; and 3) have consistent follow-up . . . a zillion, million times if that’s what it takes!

When you tell your child not to do something, mean it. If she steps across the boundary, immediately move her back inside. Do not think, I’ll let her get away with it just this once. If you do, you are teaching your child to disobey! Your child will test these boundaries, you can count on it. That’s what children do. It’s your job to enforce these boundaries, no matter how difficult, tiring and frustrating the process is.

Here are two exercises for helping kids learn self-control:

1. The “Sit Still” Technique. Sit with your small child and say, “Megan, let’s work on your self-control. Let’s try to sit completely still for one minute.” Then, provide positive feedback. Do at least three sessions a week for at least a month, gradually increasing the “sitting still” time. This is a simple technique, but it works wonders. Once you’ve instilled this ability in your child, you can use it any time you see her in a situation in which she seems to be losing control. (See why self-control is physical in nature?)

2. The “Expanding Boundaries” Technique. Pinpoint three rules or boundaries that you absolutely insist upon. Talk to your child about why these rules are important. Explain to him that if he stays inside these boundaries, they will expand. For instance, if curfew is 7:00 and your child respects that curfew, it will eventually be changed to 7:30. Thus, your child learns the benefits of self-control by experiencing them firsthand.