From the Desk of Keith Hafner

Boundaries Will Be Tested.

Let’s suppose that you say to your child, “Megan, you can play in the yard, but only go as far as the tree.”

Here’s what will happen. Megan will go right up to that tree. She is going to stand very close to the line. And when she works up the courage, she’s going to step over that line.

And maybe Mom says, gently but firmly, “Megan, I told you the tree was the boundary. You march right back inside that line this instant!” Megan comes back inside the line. She has learned that the boundary must be respected.

She might try it again, but sooner or later, if Mom is consistent, Megan learns that Mom means business.

But sometimes it happens differently. Megan steps over to the other side of the tree. Mom looks up and thinks, “Well, Megan isn’t really hurting anything on the other side of the tree. She’s OK there.” Or maybe Mom says, “Megan is only two feet past the boundary. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.” And doesn’t say anything.

At this point, I’d like to remind you of an important point from our introductory chapter: YOU CAN’T NOT TEACH. When Mom does not enforce the boundaries, Megan does learn something. It’s not what Mom wanted her to learn. Mom probably doesn’t even realize that learning has occurred. But Megan has learned something, nonetheless. She learned that Mom does not mean what she says. And next time, she will push a little harder.

Please understand. Megan isn’t really trying to be disobedient. She’s just conducting a test.

But also understand: What Mom does is very important! If you don’t establish boundaries, or if you establish boundaries and are not consistent in enforcing them, you make it very hard for your child to learn self-control.

Children get the idea that boundaries are flimsy or flexible. So when Mom and Dad say “no,” it really means, “maybe yes.” As a result, parents end up teaching their children to disobey! And next time, they’re going to go a little bit farther. They’re going to push a little bit harder. And once that process starts, it is very difficult to stop.