From the Desk of Keith Hafner
Respect: Tony’s Story
Tony was disruptive at school, and rude and inconsiderate at home. Tony had been suspended from school; he was not obeying curfews, and constantly used profane and disrespectful language when talking with his parents. Tony showed no respect for parents, other family members, or teachers at school. Not surprisingly, nobody respected Tony, either, other than a few kids at school who had attitudes similar to his. As you can imagine, Tony’s parents were heartbroken over his lack of respect. Then they heard through a neighbor that Martial Arts might be a good way to teach Tony respect. When I first got to know Tony, I could tell by his appearance and the way he talked about himself that his self-respect was way down.
He apparently saw no connection between his attitude toward others, and their attitude toward him. Tony felt that he would begin respecting others when they began respecting him. This isn’t too surprising in a 15-year-old. Smart “Rock Solid” parents understand that kids must be taught respect. Although Tony was disrespectful at home and at school, he was very polite and respectful in the Karate school. He loved the protocol, the politeness of the Martial Arts. I said to him, “Tony, why do you like it here?” He said, “I dunno … I guess because of what all the teachers have done in Karate. I respect that.” He added, “Plus, everybody’s nice to me.” “Tony, can you see how it works? You are respected here because you are respectful.” “What do you mean?” “Tony, would you be disrespectful here?” (His mother told me about some of the problems he’d had, both at school and at home.) “Would you be disrespectful to your Martial Art teachers?” “No way!” Tony wanted, more than anything else, to be respected.
I began to show Tony how his disrespectful attitude outside the Martial Arts was hurting him. Plus, how he really owed far more respect to his family and his schoolteachers than he did to his Martial Art teachers. Tony began to understand. We made a plan.
1. Appearance. “Tony, why is your Karate uniform always so neat and clean?” “I just like it that way, I guess.” “Well, you seem to take pride in your appearance. I respect that, and so do your Karate teachers.” I began to help Tony see that certain types of dress were appropriate with his friends — but were not appropriate around his family and in school. We discussed the value in taking pride in one’s appearance for earning respect.
2. Language. Tony had such a sullen, negative way of speaking that people automatically interpreted it as disrespect. What’s more, he seldom looked anybody in the eye when he spoke.
We began working on eye contact, and a more enthusiastic voice tone. When talking with parents and teachers, Tony would use the occasional “Yes, Sir” and “Yes, Ma’am.” From these small steps, he was showing the grown-ups in his life how he was trying to be respectful.
3. Obey the “rules of the house,” just as he was doing in the Karate school. Tony had never given any thought to the fact that he should be respecting the rules of his parents’ home. Yet, when he came to his “Karate home,” he always understood that certain rules of conduct applied. We discussed the importance of avoiding bad language, and rowdy behavior, observing curfews, and all other family rules. Tony was a good kid with some misguided thinking. He thought, “I’m not going to respect anybody who doesn’t respect me.”
He didn’t understand that you must first give respect to get respect. When Tony began to change, his entire world began to change.
