From the Desk of Keith Hafner
A Secret Strategy for Parents
My 16 month old grandson is like a Jiu Jitsu master. If you want to hold him on your lap — and he wants to NOT be on your lap…he will lock his legs, making it impossible to sit him down. Try to put him down when he WANTS to be up, and he knows how to tie you up…so you can’t put him down.
Sixteen months old and he has learned to counter every move you might try to put on him.
Older kids have learned to do this verbally. Whenever you attempt to correct, guide, teach, impose limits…they usually know the appropriate “counter” move.
Parents, I’m going to teach you a secret technique.
Here it is: Never Argue with Children, Including (especially!) teens.
Should you discuss? Teach? Advise? Most certainly.
But — this is important — learn to recognize the difference between teaching and arguing.
A kid who can suck a parent into an argument has already earned at least a partial victory.
Yes, you MUST teach. And that will sometimes require you to explain why you do what you do.
Two distinctions.
- You explain to teach. Not because you “owe” an explanation. Never be defensive.
- Teaching and arguing are usually done at different times.
“Mom, can I go to the mall?”
“Not today.”
“Why not? Everybody else is going!”
Usually, if you attempt to teach right then, it will be an argument. Son or daughter is upset and will try to cause an argument.
Refuse.
A day or two later, when the storm has passed, a nice, teaching conversation can take place.
You might ask: “So — how do you avoid arguing?”
Simple. Just don’t say anything.
By the way…if you are wondering why the kids argue with you…it’s simple: you taught them to do it.
