Commandment #1. “Inconsistently applied discipline teaches rebellious behavior.”  Notice.  It doesn’t “allow.”  It “teaches.”

Commandment #2.  All behaviors can be modified by consequences. If you knew that you would die instantly if you did something…you wouldn’t do it.

Commandment #3.  When modifying behavior with consequences, it’s the certainty of the consequence…not the intensity that matters.  Consider this.  Driving over the speed limit has an intense consequence (if you are caught).  Big fine.  Points on your license.  Insurance goes up.  Intense, certainly.  But notice:  it doesn’t work well to modify driving behavior.  People speed all the time. Why?  Easy.  The consequence is far from certain.

But what there were a sensor in your car — and every time you went over the speed limit…a two dollar fine was billed to your credit card?

See?  A certain, low intensity consequence would effectively modify driving behavior…

Commandment #4.  More on consequences.  They are best delivered calmly, without anger or frustration. You want your children to see the consequence directly attached to the action. If you are angry… they will only see/be affected by the anger.

As in, “I’m being punished because Mom is mad.”  Instead of, “I got myself into this mess by what I did.”

Traffic cop pulls you over for speeding.  Acts angry.  Harsh.  Gives you a ticket.  Later, you say, “Boy, that cop was mean.”

Different cop pulls you over. Friendly as can be.  Gives you a ticket.  Later, you say, “Guess I had that coming.”

Commandment #5.  Don’t argue with your children. Peers argue.  People who are in positions of responsibility don’t argue with those they are responsible for.

You ask, “But why do they argue with me all the time?”   Want it straight?  You taught them to do so.

Commandment #6.  Said above that, if your children argue with you… it’s because you taught them to do so. Which brings us to our next point:  You can’t not teach.

Everything you do teaches something to your kids.  Might not be what you hope to teach.  In fact, might be quite the opposite. Example: When you don’t feel well, you are a little irritable.  Maybe, you snap at people.

You don’t WANT to teach your kids that it’s okay to be grumpy and snap at people.  But you did. And, they can use the excuse, ‘Hey, I don’t feel well.’ You would never intentionally do that.  Get it?  They watch.  They learn.

PTA Lady:  “Mrs. Franks, can you help us with our fundraiser this weekend?”

Mrs. Franks: “I’m sorry.  We have plans!”

Mrs. Franks 9 year old daughter:  “What are our plans, Mom?”

Mom, of course, had nothing planned for the weekend.  She just didn’t want to give up her weekend.

She wound up giving up something much more valuable.

Commandment #7.   Kids will get to a certain age — and try to push you away.  They will be embarrassed of you, by you. Disregard this.  Stay close.  This is when they need you most.

Commandment #8. Implement the Reagan policy:  Trust, but verify. When Jason and Ian were kids, they always knew that, if they said they were going to be somewhere… Dad just might show up!

Commandment #9.  Make sure your kids get a full helping, each day of this:  Your FULL Attention.  Radio off.  Cell phone off.  One on one.  Attentive body language.  Eye contact, soft eyes, fully focused. Listening with your ears; your mind; your heart.

Commandment #10.  You’ve got one kid who loves to please.  Enjoys following the rules.  Always does well at school.

And maybe you’ve got another kid.  Less (maybe much less) eager to please.  More interested in pushing the boundaries. Here’s the danger:  to evaluate kid #2 by measuring him against kid #1.

Might just be that kid #2 represents the norm…not kid #1.

Commandment #11.  Thou shalt, gently, consistently, lovingly, nudge your child outside of their comfort zone.

Commandment #12. Thou shalt read.  With the kids;  in front of the kids; in spite of the kids.

Commandment #13.  “More is caught than taught.”

If you tell your kids do something…and you yourself do something different …they will do what you do.    Not what you say.

Applies to ALL area of behavior. Exercise.  Prayer.  Healthy eating.  Reading. Good manners. Grace under pressure. Honoring your word. Speaking kindly to people. Your kids are learning from you, both the good and bad, all the time.

Commandment #14.  If you’ve got a kid who can count past 25, here’s the easiest way to teach him to break the law. Put him in your car with a clear view of both the dashboard and road signs. Then, simply exceed the speed limit.

Commandment #15. Speaking of the things that your children “catch” from you…how are you under pressure?  When the crisis (big or small) comes? Blow your stack?  Let your mouth run wild?  Neglect your responsibilities?  Slip into a dark funk?

Kids always watch.  Learn.  But when the pressure is on, all “lessons” are intensified.